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Steps to Take When You and Your Spouse Disagree in Parenting
Parenting is definitely a difficult job and can be challenging to anybody. Many things influence the way you raise
your children. The main influence generally is your own parents, the way they raised you and the opinion that you
built about their way of parenting. Other influences on parenting styles are extended family, friends, doctors and
educational professionals. Therefore, many people have their own style of parenting and sometimes this can differ
greatly from the one their spouse has.
Before you had children, it probably was already hard to share a house, to divide work and to adapt to each other,
but when children come into the picture everything gets difficult again. Sometimes it might start as early as
pre-birth, when you think about baby names or whether your boy should be circumcised or not. It does not just stop
there, pacifier or not, should they watch TV, should they participate in certain sports and what to do when they
are in trouble or at risk.
So what can you do, when your household seems to fall apart and your parenting styles are clashing? There are many
things that can be done, let’s discuss a few of the more important steps right here.
The most important step is communication. When you disagree about parenting topics do not just lash out with your
words or insist on your opinion. You are just going to run into a loud, wild argument or a bad fight. Most parents
have some pre-formed ideas about how to raise a child. Some think babies should never use pacifiers; others think
pacifiers are the best invention since the discovery of the fire. Whatever your opinion is, talk about it
rationally with your spouse.
Each of you can bring some good arguments to the table and then try to see where your spouse is coming from. Try to
understand why he thinks about this topic this way. If you still cannot agree completely, maybe there is a middle
way in between. A compromise can be for example to use a pacifier only in bed or only for falling asleep and not at
all throughout the day. It is not always easy to find a compromise, but there are many situations in a relationship
where it is important to communicate and reach mutual agreements.
Another very important step to take when you are disagreeing about parenting topics is to never discuss your
opinions in front of the children. Children can see your argument in several different lights. They might think you
are fighting because of them, or they might try to use advantage of the situation or when you reached a decision,
your decision might not work any more. Your child knows how to play the person that had a different parenting
opinion.
Whenever you have controversial ideas about parenting you can also consult your family and friends. Ask them what
they would do and what their opinion about the problem is. You do not need to agree with them, this is much more a
way of getting a sense of what other people do. It sometimes helps to come to either a compromise or even adopt a
totally different method.
Books, guides and other resources such as the Internet about parenting and raising children can also help you.
Doing some research and seeing what is recommended in certain cases might give you a new view on the topic or even
convince you one way or another. As with so many things in life, advice is different from book to book and from
expert to expert, so do not hope for one solution only when you research parenting topics.
And sometimes even your pediatrician’s office has material or counselors available to assist you with any of your
questions.
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