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Working the System: Family Parenting Tools
Families are systems and the members of a family are both individuals and part of a whole; they interact and play
off one another. When you think about your family that way, you can see that if one part is skewed a little bit, it
will throw the whole system off balance. Since we are all skewed a bit, our family systems can get kind of
crazy.
When you think about your family that way, you can also see that it’s the entire family parenting the children, not
just one or two individuals. There are tools you can use to help straighten your family system up a bit.
Roles
Look at the roles people fill in your family. It’s ideal to do this before you have kids, because you can readjust
roles easier then, but you can still do it even if you have grandkids. Remember, we’re talking about the entire
family parenting the children.
History
What is your family’s history, including parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins? Are there a lot of
divorces, affairs, addiction, early deaths? What’s the religious history of your family? How about social or
financial status? As you look at your family’s history, you may see patterns that alert you to potential problems
that could come up in your family.
Relationships
What are relationships like in your family, and are they close, or distant? What about the relationships between
parents and their parents and siblings? What about the relationship between parents? Step family parenting, gay
family parenting, single parent family parenting and traditional family parenting are all different, and bring
different relationships into the system. It’s helpful to evaluate those relationships. What part does each member
of the family play in parenting the children?
Secrets
This is a big one, and some people need counseling to sort out family secrets. Family secrets are secrets that are
never told, but intuitively known, and wind up being passed from generation to generation. Family secrets are
poisonous. A common family secret is incest, and until someone breaks the silence and talks about Uncle Jim and
what he did, incest will happen in future generations, too. Family parenting means revealing all the secrets so
that they lose their power.
When you think about the entire family parenting the children, you discover that you have resources you didn’t know
you had, too. When you are undone by parenting, you can turn to other members of the system, and you will know the
appropriate members to turn to.
If you learn that Grandma grew up in a remote area without friends, you understand that she’s not cold; she’s
unskilled in relationships. You know you can turn to her for practical help, but not for support when you’re having
a rough day. On the other hand, once sweet Uncle Jim’s secret is exposed, you know it’s not safe to leave the
children with him.
The concept of family as a system is a valuable tool for parents. It helps them see potential problems, identify
family resources and make their family a good one.
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