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Punishment and Objectivity

In parenting circles, the word 'punishment' often brings to mind 'corporeal punishment' - spanking, slapping or other forms of physical action. One can agree that such behavior is counter-productive in rearing a healthy child, while at the same time avoiding the false alternative of excessive permissiveness.

In life, both children and adults are 'punished' for bad behavior or failing to obtain a certain standard. Poor performance on a test leads to the punishment of a low score. Poor performance at work leads to lower raises, delayed promotions and other results.

Punishment, in the proper sense, is simply one side of the coin of justice. Justice or fairness, entails giving of the deserved, whether good or unpleasant. Children, like adults, have a healthy self-interest in seeing that justice is enacted.

As a result, it can be a net positive benefit to children to see that their actions have consequences - even if, temporarily, those consequences are painful. Both nature and social arrangements require that certain actions be taken to achieve values. When those actions are destructive of positive values, or fail to achieve them, the logical consequences are undesirable.

As part of the learning and maturation process, not shielding children from the logical effects of their behavior results in absorbing those lessons in relatively mild form. Children too, need to learn to relate cause and effect, both in natural actions and in social circumstances. They need to connect choices to values and fairness.

There are several aspects of this approach that are essential to achieving positive results. First and foremost among them is being objective, followed closely by a sense of proportion.

Objectivity does not mean value or emotional neutrality. It simply means attending to the facts and evaluating them reasonably. As every parent knows, this is easier said than done.

But, just as courts of law have to make an effort to sort fact from fiction, so finding out what actually occurred - and responding appropriately - requires careful thought, maturity and a commitment to being fair.

Mother and her 10 year-old child have just had an argument. A moment later, the child enters the kitchen and pours him or herself a glass of milk. From the other room, Mom hears the crashing of glass on the floor. Mom enters to find milk spilled on the floor, a sugar bowl upturned and a child stomping its feet.

Was the child negligent? Was the child hasty because of its anger? Once the milk had spilled, was the sugar bowl dumped over in frustration or was that part of what was a multi-part accident?

Already upset over the just-past argument, it will be a real challenge for the mother to attain objectivity - to get the facts and draw the correct conclusion, then take the appropriate action.

Here there are several alternatives. Mom can react in rage, order the child out of the kitchen or angrily toss down a wet towel and demand the child clean up the mess. Or, she can take a deep breath, sweep up the glass and begin to ask questions.

When she takes the latter approach, she quickly finds that in pouring the milk, the child brushed a hand up against the hot coffee pot. They clean up the mess together and Mom pours the child another glass of milk while they talk.

Even in clear circumstances where a definite bad behavior has been willfully engaged in, it's possible to err if a sense of proportion is ignored.

Repeatedly dismissing or ignoring bad behavior teaches many incorrect lessons and encourages the development of adults without a sense of right and wrong. But not every wrong action is serious. Like most things, there are degrees.

Remaining objective and fair will help parents arrive at responses that are proportional to the actual harm done. In the middle of an angry exchange, this is especially difficult to do. Parents will benefit themselves and the child by deferring 'sentencing' until they have regained self-control.

This benefits the child in two ways. In the first instance, they receive a punishment that is appropriate to the action they initiated. Even though unpleasant, they observe that fairness is at work. At the same time, they see that mature self-control is possible and that outcomes are more beneficial to both parties when reason isn't swamped by emotion.