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Discipline and Individual Choice

The word 'discipline' often brings to mind images of harsh punishment, unreasonable restrictions and an approach to parenting that is cold and insensitive. As a result, many parents will accept the false alternative of being excessively permissive.

Much of that dilemma has been addressed in recent decades by recognizing that there is, in fact, a third alternative. This alternative approach recognizes the facts that are universal about developing humans, while providing room for individual variation.

All individuals have capacities that develop over time. Wise parents will therefore recognize that what is appropriate with a two-year old is ineffective with a teen and vice versa.

To make the point in an exaggerated form, it's pointless to explain in detail to a two-year old that he or she is failing to respect the property rights of a sibling by forcibly snatching away a wanted toy. Similarly, it's ineffective to force a teen to endure a time-out or to redirect their behavior away from an inappropriate action.

The basic principle underlying 'age appropriate discipline' is this: recognize the actual nature of the person in front of you when developing a rule or response. That entails much more than simply acknowledging the child's age, though that is one aspect of the principle.

It means accounting for intelligence level, ability to process what they are told properly, temperament and physical ability. Never ask a child to comply with guidance they can not, in fact, follow. Naturally, determining what they actually can and can't understand or do isn't always an easy task.

There is a condition, for example, similar to dyslexia. Upon hearing speech the child with this disability will often reverse sentence meaning or have other forms of difficulty processing spoken sentences. They may or may not have actual reading dyslexia, as well. Though rare, it's an extreme example of many children's difficulties in actually understanding what is being required of them.

That can lead to parental frustration if parents conclude that the child is willfully ignoring what he or she is being told. That sometimes is the case, of course.

The cause of that disability, though, may lie less with the child and more with the parent. Pay careful attention to what you've actually said, and the manner in which it is conveyed. It's difficult to be clear and consistent when you're angry, for example.

Take a few seconds, or longer if needed, to cool down. Leave the room if necessary, or look away from the child. Not only will this help the parent regain his or her self-control, it shows the child that it isn't necessary or inevitable that emotion has to swamp reason. It shows the child that, with maturity, it's possible to control impulses to produce a positive outcome from a bad situation.

That in itself is a highly valuable discipline lesson since, ultimately and in the long run, all discipline is self-discipline. After all, as every parent has observed, children are individuals and - no matter what approach to discipline is taken - they will make their own decisions. Avoid perpetual frustration by recognizing that, like adults, children have free will.

Helping them to see the outcomes of those decisions, by reason and respect, is the best you can do for yourself and your child.