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Teaching
Responsibility
Teaching responsibility is one of the most difficult aspects of
parenting. It is here that parents most often worry about the
dilemma of stifling individual choice versus inculcating values
and habits that lead to appropriate behavior.
The political parallel of that dilemma is the reasonable desire
for maximum individual freedom, but the need that arises to
respect the rights of others. The way out of the dilemma is to
recognize that healthy self-interest and respect for others not
only do not conflict but reinforce one another.
Being 'responsible' in the most fundamental sense of that term
means 'being the cause of or the agent that produced some
effect'. Recognizing that the causes we initiate lead to good
or bad consequences is part of a view of responsibility called
'logical consequences'.
Connecting the child's chosen actions with consequences for the
child allows him or her to make the connection by choice,
rather than being imposed from the outside. When that is done,
the connection has a much greater tendency to 'stick', while at
the same time being viewed as fair and reasonable, since it was
chosen rather than forced.
Extreme examples sometimes best help clarify the principle
involved. A teen flirting with drug use might be 'scared
straight' by being exposed to the real-life consequences that
habitual drug users invariably experience: bad health, jail,
etc.
But one can use the idea in much less serious circumstances.
Most individuals past the age of 5 or so grasp that being
treated the same as others in similar circumstances is part of
the essence of fairness.
This insight helps the parent show the child that failing to
accept responsibility for, say, cleaning the room or getting
ready for school on time inconveniences parents. Connecting the
refusal to study with the likelihood of a bad grade is another
common example.
Removal of privileges for failure to take responsibility is
rarely greeted cheerfully, but provided the consequences are
seen as fair most children will accept them and learn the
proper lesson.
One key to successfully implementing this strategy is to ensure
that the connection between cause and consequences is something
the child can grasp at his or her level of development. It's
pointless to tell a five-year-old that failing to practice
pitching two hours per day will keep them out of the Major
Leagues.
On the other hand, connecting the refusal to study diligently
with the failure to get into a desired college - and the
attendant long-term consequences - is perfectly appropriate for
a teen in High School.
Parents should keep in mind, however, that rarely are
consequences life-threatening or irreversible.
A teen that chooses not to exert the effort to get good grades
one semester is unlikely to be damaged for life. There are many
good schools besides Princeton and Stanford that do not require
perfect grades.
Similarly, unless the child is in immediate physical danger
it's sometimes the case that doing nothing is (at least
temporarily) the best approach. Sometimes allowing that extra
bit of freedom to, say, not clean up the room today or skip
chores, leads to a child who appreciates the breathing space.
Even adults get vacations.
The highest probability of success will come from recognizing
that children, like adults, have free will. Studies show that
the amount of influence parents can exert over children is
limited. Setting reasonable expectations, then being firm (but
not bullying) is often the best one can do.
Remember, you are raising a person with the capacity to think,
an individual in whom you hope to encourage
self-responsibility. A duty-driven robot is an unhealthy
individual just as much as is an out of control, self-indulgent
whim-worshiper.
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