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Grandparents and Other Dilemmas

Sometimes being a parent is like being in middle management. You have not only a whole host of issues to deal with in relation to the kids, but grandparents can introduce another set. Grandparents in the parenting mix present all the issues of influence from others, but with the obvious added wrinkle that they have a special relationship to both the parents and the children.

So, how does a parent maximize all the good things grandparents bring, while minimizing some of the potential difficulties?

Grandparents can offer enormous value by sharing the wisdom of long experience. After all, they have raised children before and most parents will want to believe they did a good job. For such advice to be valuable, however, it has to be delivered at the right time and in the right way.

Grandparents who need some reminding can be diplomatically asked to hold off on offering wisdom until the parent is in a more receptive frame of mind. Unprompted comments during child disciplining almost invariably sound like a rebuke. It will usually, understandably, be met with a defensive reaction.

For the parents' part, their long-term self-interest will be served by exercising some objectivity. After the strong emotions fade, give some thought to whether the grandparents advice has merit. It usually does. Place a lower emphasis on how or when it was delivered.

Grandparents want what's best for the grandchildren and their own, naturally. That hope can be realized by their exercising some objectivity, as well. Realizing that the parents bear the primary responsibility for establishing rules and inculcating values for their children will help avoid conflicts.

Parents can help by picking their battles. Grandparents are individuals and will have different views on many subjects. As they express those views in action, their choices can collide with what the parent wants.

But not every minor disagreement is grounds for a major battle, or any at all. Rules about bedtime and diet should be respected, since these have a real effect on health. But there are many areas where the grandparents, rightly, want to enjoy giving the children a little more -- materially and in freedom -- than the parents might feel comfortable with.

A healthy compromise can be reached when all parties exercise a little creativity. A $500 chemistry set as a birthday gift might worry some parents. Substituting trips to the aquarium and zoo might be one way to 'split the difference'.

Conflict negotiators often suggest that parties at loggerheads seek common ground. Fortunately, when it comes to raising children, both parents and grandparents have much fertile earth to share. Both almost always have the interests of the child first and foremost in mind.

Settling disputes is easier when both parties seek to 'make their case' by patient reasoning based on a foundation of fact. Combining that attitude of objectivity with respect for individual values is a winning package.